National Coming Out Day 2010

Like most of the LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender) community, I am acknowledging that today is National Coming Out Day.  But I wouldn't say that in the recent months that it is anything to celebrate. 

In September alone there were 9+ deaths attributed to Anti-gay bullying.  In light of this, why would anyone want to celebrate coming out as gay/lesbian?

But, in spite of all the bullying, and the depression, and the suicides, and the hate, young people are coming out earlier than ever.  And more of them are coming out.  So I have to ask why? 

I've thought long and hard about this, and it's applicable to me (and probably everyone else too) but the reasons to come out are better than the alternative.  People come out because the pressure of hiding who you are everyday, from everybody is unimaginable for someone who hasn't had to do it, out of fear of retaliation and sometimes out of fear for their very lives.  People come out because we have been taught from childhood that it's only going to be worse if you lie, but if you tell the truth it may still hurt, but not as much.  We are taught from childhood that the truth will set you free.  People come out because they want to taste that freedom.

The alternative is to internalize all that fear and hatred that is cast your way.  You begin to believe everything that everyone says about you.  Nobody with any ability to stop it actually does so, indeed they rarely if ever listen to what you have to say.  It makes you feel like you're standing in a room full of people with power to end world hunger, bring world peace about, cure every illness, and you're telling them how to do it but they just don't hear you.  You eat fear for breakfast and hatred for lunch, day in and day out.  It works it's way into your mind, your heart, and eventually your soul with no real outlet, because nobody listens.  And by the time they do, it's usually too late.  For them, or for others.

In the spirit of encouraging young people to come out and realize the truth about themselves and life in general Dan Savage and his partner Terry have started the It Get's Better Project as a way to spread the truth that it does get better.  I, personally, hope that not only do LGBT people get hope and support from this, but also bullys get exposed to some of this and realize how pervasive and how utterly consuming hate can be, and how it affects people.  I can hope, can't I?

I count myself fortunate that I was never bullied/harassed to the point that I felt that the only way to make it stop was to kill myself.  I contemplated it, I won't lie about that.  Any kid/teen who is bullied for years on end thinks about it and indeed comes up with plans to follow through, but I didn't.

What saved me was in High School I finally developed a network of friends, something I hadn't had a lot of before that.  So once I came out in college (which was a place where I could have been severely bullied/harassed) from what I understand, my friends stepped in and told people off.  So I never heard much of anything.  I'll never know how much they stood up for me, but I think they should know how grateful I am for what they did.

My family had pretty much the normal family reaction.  They didn't disown me, and they said that no matter what they still loved me.  But you could tell things were different.  As they say though, everything gets better with time, and so it is with my family.  As time goes on, they are coming around...slowly. 

But I'm more free than I ever have been, and every day I contemplate new thoughts about the past, let go of some things (some things WAY more slowly than others) and I move on.  And I wouldn't have it any other way.  I now exist as an out gay man. 

As an addendum to this, I found this video which is really a video inside a film entitled Bang Bang You're Dead which aired on Showtime.  It's not as bad as bullying is entirely, but it's a lot more realistic than anything I've seen.  So watch it, and think about it.  Realize the truth.

Never Forget!

I was contemplating on writing a blog regarding the comments of the Imam from NYC who want's to build the cultural center, that he made on his 60 minutes interview (I think it was 60 Minutes).  But then I noticed, like everyone else yesterday, the shocking number of suicides of young people attributed to anti-gay bullying.  And my heart wept.

There are a lot of people involved in this now, but I think that they aren't doing justice for those who have needlessly lost their lives due to other people's hatred and intolerance, and still other people's unwillingness to stand up for what is right and put a stop to this.  So in this blog, I will remember (and post links) to all who have taken their own lives due to bullying.


Seth Walsh - California.

Tyler Clemente - New Jersey

Billy Lucas - Indiana

Cody Barker - Wisconsin

Asher Brown - Texas

Raymond Chase - Rhode Island

Caleb Nolt - Indiana (From information I could gather, Caleb was not gay, but was bullied for others' perception of his orientation)

Justin Aaberg - Minnesota (apparently after fact checking he died in July, but he still counts!)


I post these links as a reminder that it took 6 senseless deaths for anyone to notice.  It took 6 deaths before anyone spoke up, myself included.  It took 6 deaths and not one major new network bothered to do a story.  6 deaths later, and we're still not addressing the problem.

Look at the number of places in the list.  It's not just some isolated incident.  This is a nationwide epidemic of hate, intolerance, viciousness, and inaction.  It crosses all state lines and geographical boundaries to infect our children. And the lives of children who's potential will never be known is the cost.

People are worried about gay marriage, and the gay agenda.  That it will infect the schools and somehow warp the values of children making them view gay as okay.  But what people (adults) fail to realize is that the "gay agenda" is already alive and well in schools.  It lives in the children who identify as gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, questioning, intersex, and allies.  They are the ones pushing for GSA's in schools, and fighting for their own rights to be safe and un-accosted at school for being themselves. 

But for every child that stands up for what is right, and pushes for equality in the world of education, it seems that we have more needless death because there are those who become so overwhelmed by the hate that seems to pervade this country they they can do naught else but the most drastic.  They don't see a way out, they see no one to confide in, they don't realize that it will get better, eventually.

Nobody should have to wait for this to end.  6 deaths in 18 days in the month of September alone.  6 deaths before anyone paid serious attention.  Maybe it's time we did something more?

Update: I found this link which has a larger list of deaths due to anti-gay bullying than I could find.