Mental Rumblings

So, I haven't been updating.  I've been busy, and focusing on other things, ergo my blog has been languishing.  Which is not to say that I haven't had deep thoughts that ought to go out into the world, just that I don' think that they can be put here.  They're not bad, but they're not for public consumption, I think. I have been thinking about journaling more, but again, that leaves my blog to gather dust and cobwebs. 

Maybe I need a focus?  Something more to write about than my opinions, because let's face it, if I can't bring myself to write about them then clearly they aren't that important to me.  But then again, my opinions make up my voice, my thoughts, my personality, more or less.  If I don't care about them anymore, what do I have?  *le sigh*

I suppose I could write my opinions on Gay Rights and the fight for Equality, constantly coming out (no pun intended) against the GOP and other bigoted homophobic public figures.  Call them out, and hold them accountable for what they say and expect them to back it up.  I could focus on religious issues, but does anybody really care?  I mean outside of the liturgical and theological community who really cares, unless it pertains to an issue currently in the public eye.  Naturally I have to have an interest in two issues that are, for the moment, polar opposites.  Despite years of work on both sides, it seems that reconciliation isn't going to happen.  Perhaps the turmoil I feel spiritually comes from this?  I'm not sure.  I'm rereading the Dragonlance Chronicles (Autumn Twilight, Winter Night, Spring Dawning).  Usually I feel a connection with Raistlin.  He's an outcast, slave to his passion which leads to his downfall, and is physically weaker than most other people but has his own brand of strength.  Lately, however, I've been feeling a connection with Tanis Half-Elven.  A child of rape, he lives in two worlds, elf and human, and neither wants him.  He struggles for belonging and faith, which he can't wrap his brain around, at least until the end of the story.  I think he's sort of like me, or I'm like him.  I exist in the realm of the theological and the homosexual, and currently neither side really understands my beliefs which causes me to have one foot in each movement.  Gay rights people want me to change religions, to something that's gay affirming.  But asking me to do that is like asking me to give up the bedrock of what I believe in.  But asking me to ignore/abandon/change my sexual orientation and not embrace it as a part of who I am is tantamount to the same thing. 

No wonder I have such inner turmoil. 

I did not intend this blog to end up this deep, but when you get started sometimes things just come pouring out, and if that's the case then I just broke the dam.  Hope you, dear reader, didn't get washed away, and are still with me.  And technically, at least in central time, I'm still on time for a Wednesday entry. 

Happy Wednesday!

I hate lemons, why can't I have chocolate instead...

Well, it finally happened. I think my computer finally decided to die. Which means that until that either gets fixed, or I get a new computer my ability to blog will be severely compromised. I can still use my roommates computer off and on, but that's not like having your own. My external hard drive also died at the same time. Well I'm attempting to be optimistic, and even if I can't get it fixed, I've got the blackberry which should take care of some of the basic essentials of email and such. And now I have a reason to ask for cash for various gift-giving holidays in order to put money to a new computer.

So I'm an avid reader and I have a large stack of books that I've aquired that need to be read. With the good news that I have a full time job (starting in March) which is second shift, I've been attempting to stay up late to get into the schedule. Reading is one way that I'm attempting to remain awake. I've started reading a book given to me by my friend S. Entitled And the Band Played On, written by Randy Shilts, it's proving to be an interesting read. Considering it's about the revelation that AIDS is really an epidemic, the first 12 pages or so read like a horror novel.

And while I've only touched the surface of the whole thing, in the first 15 pages it is made bluntly clear that the fact that AIDS became an epidemic of global proportions is due to indifference, miscommuncation, and fear. And while I came to this realization, it also struck me that here in America there are a lot of things that shouldn't be handled through people playing on fear.

Now I'm going to approach this from a rather religious standpoint, but it seems to me that a vast majority of religious leaders get people to do what they want by playing on their fears. Fear of being different, fear of being the same, fear of being corrupted by that which you don't understand, etc... But to me, being part of a religion, no matter what religion it may be, means that you should be confident enough in what you believe to be able to exist with people who may or may not agree/believe the same as you.

At it's most basic level, Christianity is about love. So why then, is fear used to push adgendas in the religious and political communities? And why are religious organizations using religious based fear to push adgendas that have nothing to do with religion and everything to do with politics?

While I realize that there will always be interplay between religion and politics, I think we need to take a step back from all the debating and all the fighting, and take a serious look at why we are doing (religiously and politcally) the things we are. For too long, I think, the religious majority has been conducting an overture of fear and the political community has waltzed away without regard to the consequenses. Maybe it's time to stop dancing, put our dancing shoes away, and get down to business.

As an endnote, this rant is incomplete. The last two sentances popped into my head and were too good to not write down. So this is an incomplete train of thought and very poorly presented and ill thought out. Perhaps I'll come back to it later, but for now, this is all I've got.